best-email-everWe receive about 3.5 tons of emails every given day here at iDB, and I have to admit that I don’t get past the second sentence of 95% of them before trashing them. Then there is an actual 4.9999% that I actually read and reply to or forward to one of our editors. Finally, there is this 0.0001% of emails that really stand out. They stand out because they are intriguing, well written, funny, or even bizarre, and in some cases, they’re all of the above.

This week, we received what I believe to be the best email that ever graced my inbox. It was so entertaining that instead of reading it while standing at my desk, I went downstairs, picked up my iPad mini and read the email from the comfort of my couch. I would lie if I said the idea of pouring myself a glass of Crown Royal didn’t cross my mind.

It was so entertaining to me that I wanted to share it with you.

Dear Sirs and Ladies of idownloadblog,

Greetings and well met. I’m Timothus of Dewey, an avid listener of your fine discussion panel “Let’s Talk iOS.” When a new episode happens to arise, I fancy a sit on my beloved armchair whilst partaking in a shot of Louis XIII de Rémy Martin. I do appreciate your fine retorts and banter with each other.

I must confess however, I was taken aback by your recent submission. I understand the very notion of the fingerprint scanner having issues, but I was aghast to learn people do not cleanse their sullied hands before handling their electronic implements! “What manner of peasantry is this!?!” I shouted to the very Heavens. The thought made my finest monocle fly from the socket of my eye onto the very earth, shattering it. I had to take a beat to soothe my nerves, for I was indeed giddy with anger. I pondered to myself that these commoners are indeed barbaric creatures, and as a gentleman, twas my job, nay, obligation to add some civility to these wretched individuals. I have decided to bear the burden and write an informative essay in regards to handling your iOS implements in a gentlemanly fashion.

Hort HollingsworthIn this piece of compelling literature, I shall introduce two “very” different individuals. The first is a man of the world and indeed a true gentleman, The Honorable Hort Hollingsworth.

Mr. Hollingsworth is a man who has the finest iOS devices in the village. He is an individual who takes great pride in his devices, almost to the same degree he takes for his fanciful facial hair. When Mr. Hollingsworth partakes in his afternoon sandwich, he sees to it that he wears his finest velvet eating gloves (with pinkies up, indubitably.) In doing so, Mr. Hollingsworth does not risk the possibility of besmirching his fine iOS implements. If gloves are not present, he washes his hands at once, if not posthaste before grabbing any devices within his general vicinity. As you can clearly see, the ladies love Mr. Hollingsworth for his good etiquettes, especially when he uses a microfiber cloth to clean his delightful screen. They also adore his dreamy mustache.

The next individual I shall introduce, regrettably, is Henry Sadsworth.

Henry SadsworthMr. Sadsworth is an undesirable and an unagreeable man. He considers himself to be a “proud” owner of a Metro PCS ALCATEL ONE TOUCH Fierce running Jellybean 4.2, yet he takes no measures in caring for his phone (not that there’s much to care for in his defense.) Like a pack of hungry jackals, Mr. Sadsworth ferociously feasts on Taco Bell’s Doritos tacos, whilst guzzling down his beverage of Mountain Dew, soiling himself during the process.

Besides wiping his mouth with his sleeves, Mr. Sadsworth takes no measures in cleaning himself and proceeds to use his so-called phone. The grease and grime from Mr. Sadsworth’s Doritos stained hands sullies the phone screen, and it has been many fortnights since Mr. Sadsworth has even attempted to clean it. He has been spotted on rare occasions cleaning his screen with a technique he refers to as “spit shining.” If someone were to attempt to call Mr. Sadsworth, Mr. Sadsworth himself would be unable to unlock his phone to engage in jolly social interaction. This would be more of an issue if it weren’t for the fact no one calls Mr. Sadsworth…ever.

As you can see from these two individuals, there’s a wrong way to handle your beloved devices and a gentleman’s way. I implore you to inspire to be a Mr. Hollingsworth and not a yokel such as Mr. Sadsworth. If you notice yourself following in the very foot steps of Mr. Sadsworth, see to it you have Madame Siri change your name to “Mr. Sadsworth” in an attempt to shame yourself. This way you may still have time to repent your misdeeds. I truly hope this literature has been informative, and you may share it with your colleagues as you talk about the weather whilst sipping tea.

Sincerely,

Timothus of Dewey, first of my name.

Sent from my iPad

  • Jared Steffen

    This is beautiful I consider myself a Mr. Hollingsworth

    • Σαλαη αββας

      It’s too long , I’ll never finish it

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Are you a first grader who can’t read?

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Sorry mom , I promise you I’ll be goodie boy next time

      • Micaiah Martin

        dude, it’s seven paragraphs…. seriously you read more than this when you visit Facebook.

      • David Villamizar

        Maybe english is not his mother language…

      • Σαλαη αββας

        But she’s my daughter

    • alientwilight

      Me 2

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Me 3

  • Spiffingly good dear Chaps Bravo Bravo.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      That awkward moment when you finish reading something and you don’t get anything

      • Amer Claffey

        The awkward moment when people think you’re an idiot

      • Daniel Eliasson

        That is because he is one!

      • Σαλαη αββας

        How smart you are !

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Thanks, I’m aware of that.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        You’re welcome , I just like to compliment my students

  • Acolz

    This is offtopic, but I was wondering if anyone got the lock sound from iOS7? I would want to change it on my jailbroken 6.1.3 iPhone.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      I have it …. You can download it from my google drive for 89,99$
      P.S: only for the Christmas ….useally I sell it for 99,99$

      • Daniel Eliasson

        So funny. Wow. Much amuse.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Of course it’s funny , it was made me , happy that you liked it

        help me , I can’t stop doing this

  • on3simpleclick

    That was the most thought out piece of writing, that I have read in a long time. Jolly good.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      Looks like you didn’t read any$hit in a longtime

      • on3simpleclick

        What the hell is up your ass? Looks like we’ve found our Mr Scrooge everyone! Someone please escort this gentlemen to the door, this establishment doesn’t want anyone of his kind harassing our patrons. Trolls belong out in the cold.

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Σαλαη αββας is the guy who commented above “It’s too long , I’ll never finish it”, so we can consider him a plebeian.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        I don’t remember saying that , go home you’re drunk

      • SkyFall

        Dude stop writing shit, it doesn’t make you seem smart. It only makes you seem immature.
        And another thing, why you are using Greek characters for your name?

    • Daniel Eliasson

      They actually banend that troll from before!

      • John Sklikas

        Good to see this, he was getting very annoying!

      • on3simpleclick

        That’s what I like to see!

  • Guest

    I couldn’t get past the second sentence paragraph… Different strokes for different folks I guess, this would of been a ‘trash’ for me.

  • Ignacio Irigoyen

    Very amusing, and a good way to explain how a device must be care for if you wish it to work for a long time. I also loved the side stab at android.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      You wanna be amused ,? … That’s why your browser have things like “private”and ” incognito”

      • on3simpleclick

        You want to be amused?
        Go play in traffic on the highway.
        Maybe a truck will amuse you.

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Don’t feed the troll please.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        But I’m hungry :'(

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Then I hope you starve to death.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        You lie , you adore me , you can’t let me die …..
        you’re just mad of me , and you’ll forgive me

  • Miguel Monteiro

    I am Portuguese, and thought that had a nice english level… This was just beautiful!! So glad to spent 25m reading such amazing literature!

    • Damian W

      It took me 3 min to read it. Did you go over it again 10 times?

      • Daniel Eliasson

        No, it took him longer because he’s portuguese, so English isn’t his native language.

      • Damian W

        english is not my first language either.

      • Daniel Eliasson

        Well, then you’re just better than him. Happy?

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Welcome to the game

      • Damian W

        why would I be happy about being better than some illiterate?

        Just trolling you. 😛

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Hight 5

      • El Arqui Tecto

        What about if you try to read Portuguese, French, Spanish? I bet you’re American and barely can speak or read English…

      • Damian W

        read my second comment above. It will be good practice for you to learn reading. I am not american btw.

  • sivkai

    Wow. All that build up for… that? Guess I have different tastes to you on what qualifies as humour.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      True story , after seeing Beyoncé’s article here … IDB I’m ready for all the crazy $hit you’ll throw us with

      • on3simpleclick

        Someone please do us a favour & ban this troll from posting on iDB.

      • Daniel Eliasson

        The process of going through these comments:

        1. see this guy’s first comment: “what an idiot. *shrugs”
        2. see his second comment: “goddammit”
        3. see the rest: “yep, a troll”

      • Σαλαη αββας

        dispiace per voi fastidioso, non mi rendevo conto che sei dal mio paese d’origine, solo Dio sa quanto mi manca l’Italia

      • Daniel Eliasson

        I’m not from italy.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Who asked you if you are ?

  • Andrew Roth

    Awesome… Haha!

  • Hunter Green

    Tea time~

  • dav

    damn this is boaring..

    • Daniel Eliasson

      Thats because you’re a moronic imbecile.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Welcome to my game

      • sivkai

        Bet you feel clever?

      • dav

        your mama..

    • SimonReidy

      Given you’re clearly illiterate that hardly comes as a surprise.

      • trumpet444

        maybe it reminded him of wild pigs?

      • dav

        your mama too..

      • iamataff

        I haven’t got a mama, me and my dad share yours.

        Close the door on your way out sweets 😉

  • jack

    LOL

    • Σαλαη αββας

      Lucifer Our Lord ….. Why did you say that ,lol you’re crazy

  • Joaquim Nascimento

    That’s just amazing! Thank you for sharing with us.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      Can you surmise this novel , I don’t have time to like other people’ creation

  • Edgardo Jiménez

    I consider myself a Mr. Hollingsworth

    • Danuel Carr

      You profile pic determines that is true.

  • thetomthebomb

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahajajajajanajandjdusjsbsbsgakhabib!!!!!!!! Ha.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      not sure if you’re singing to “what does the fox say ”
      Or just laughing like a gay

      • Daniel Eliasson

        >laughing like a gay

        Have you got a problem with gay people? I’ve met a lot of homosexuals who were a lot smarter than you.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        A friend of mine is gay ( that’s how I knew gays laught that way ) , and I like my friend , he’s cool ……..

  • Terry Cooke

    That email is fantastic old bean. I too am a Mr Hollingsworth.

  • 4p0c4lyps3

    Pfff, any human being with a shred of common sense already understands and applies these ‘clean hands, clean device’ tactics.

  • Kartik Dhawan

    One of the best pieces of Literature I’ve ever read.

    • Σαλαη αββας

      You don’t read too much , do you ?

      • Abdl

        Dude whats your problem??!!!

      • on3simpleclick

        He’s a troll, don’t feed him.

      • Σαλαη αββας

        Forgive me for being such as bad boy , it’s just that my dad died because of me , and trying to keep these thoughts out of my mind

      • John Sklikas

        Φίλε, το όνομα σου είναι στα Ελληνικά, για αυτό θα σου το πω στα Ελληνικά, ΣΚΑΣΕ!!! Now if you’re not Greek, change your troll name to something normal and stop trolling, nobody finds it funny -.-

      • Σαλαη αββας

        αλλά είμαι Έλληνας! , Το πιστεύετε είτε όχι, δεν με νοιάζει

      • John Sklikas

        That google translate was so bad, that a baby would be able to distinguish it! 😛 I mean, the English plural and singular of you are the same, but they are not in Greek, so if you were saying the truth you would have said “Είτε το πιστεύεις, είτε όχι”. “Το πιστεύετε είτε όχι” that you said, is just a very bad translation of “Believe it or not”. Oh and you obviously care, becuase you replied. But man, stop trolling so badly, you can do way better things, do something useful, make an app or something, or use your creativity for something better 🙂

      • Σαλαη αββας

        You say I’m creative … I’m feel very trolled by you

      • John Sklikas

        Well, if you can troll with anything, you have to be creative, otherwise this wouldn’t be possible. Not everybody is a troll 😛

      • SkyFall

        Greek: Έλληνας και εσυ? Ειναι ωραίο να βλεπεις οτι και άλλοι Έλληνες εχουν ενδιαφέρον στη τεχνολογία.

        English: You are a Greek too? It’s nice to see other Greeks having an interest in technology.

      • John Sklikas

        Πράγματι φίλε μου και είμαστε πιο πολλοί απ’ότι θα νόμιζες 🙂 Αν και πραγματικά γνωριστήκαμε με πολύ περίεργο τρόπο επειδή κάποιος είχε τρολ όνομα στα Ελληνικά 😛 Πάντως αν θες να δεις πόσοι είμαστε πήγαινε στο Facebook και τσέκαρε το γκρουπ Apple Addicts – Έλληνες Applάδες 😉 (Αν θες link σου στέλνω).

      • SkyFall

        Ωραίο το γκρουπ. Όντως ειναι πολλοί οι Έλληνες που ασχολούνται με την τεχνολογία. Απλα νόμιζα οτι δεν ηταν τοσο πολλοί οι Έλληνες που ασχολούνται με τα προϊόντα της Apple, επειδη απο αυτούς που γνωρίζω το 3% να εχει προϊόν της Apple, και οι υπόλοιποι ειναι Φαν προϊόντων άλλων εταιριών (Samsung κυρίως).

  • iPhoner

    That made me hungry 🙂

  • Max

    Too long

  • Matt

    Ha ha that’s awesome and the signature at the end 😀 Greatly written indeed.

  • Ariel

    Damn, and I thought shakesphere had good language…

  • Mohammed Sahib

    Sebastian, hire this guy! Besides, he seems to be influenced by RR Martin’s books (A game of thrones and its sequels)

  • ☞Dylan James Kroger

    That awkward moment when you realize that you’re the Mr. Sadsworth….(except the android part)

    • Daniel Eliasson

      You shouldn’t even be allowed to use an iDevice.

  • Jonathan

    You’ll probably get spammed with similar emails to this now. 😛

    • Nate McKelvie

      Oh you know they are coming by the hundreds now, just hoping for a chance to be featured in an idb article like this one was. Btw I found this to be pretty damn good!

  • alientwilight

    I loved this.I had to share this article lol. The person who wrote this sounds so interesting lol.Im ready to chat with him..So funny and just plan cute.Lovely writing!Glad you posted this amusing email.I myself am a Ms. Hollingsworth lol don’t like those Mr. Sadsworth.

  • SimonReidy

    Quirky and clever. There are too many harsh critics out there that can barely spell their own name. The world needs more creative and fun-loving people like ‘Timothus of Dewey’ 🙂

  • sahar

    Saved to Pocket.

  • pnh

    Some people have way too much time on their hands.

    • Steven Honey

      Thank Obama.

  • Jerry

    whoever wrote that is on one hell of a drug..

  • Laszlo Gaspar

    The way its written reminds me of Adamzone TopMarks, for those of you who have seen any of his videos, if not then go check them out.

  • Jacob Galea

    I love it.

  • -= J$@ =-

    Very well written…however, you have to get Siri to ‘Speak’ it, lol!

  • RarestName

    TL;DR version: clean your hands

  • Taf Khan

    One does believe Mr Hollingworth happens to be of British aristocratic heritage.

    • millski

      If so then he has misspelled ‘moustache’.

  • s0me

    Cool story, Jeff needs to clean his phone but mostly his home button. I’ve seen nasty finger prints in his videos.

  • Guest

    Well done, brother.